Why is being affectionate in a marriage so important?
The short answer is: So that you and your spouse both feel loved, of course. However, not everybody expresses love the same way. In fact, not everyone feels love from their partner the same way. Demonstrations of love come in the form of affection. Affection comes in different forms. Just like there are different ways to express affection, there are also different ways that people like to receive affection. Both can be very important to the success of your marriage.
To some, affection comes in the form of time together, whereas for others affection comes in terms of intimacy. Some perceive praise and appreciation as demonstrations of affection. Some may like love-notes, back-rubs, hand-holding, and others may put more emphasis on deep conversations or long walks together. Or it may be as simple as supporting one’s interests.
No matter how you perceive giving and receiving affection, it’s clear that it’s important.
Today we’re going to look at demonstrations of affection in terms of the intimate bond in a marriage.
Affection in a marriage is almost as important as the vows you made when you first said “I do”. If both you and your spouse share an excellent level of communication, then you should be able to talk about what you, as a couple, expect from each other in terms of affection and intimacy.
I highly encourage talking about your wants and needs as husband and wife. That includes your needs in terms of affection and intimacy. In fact, ideally it should be discussed prior to marriage so that you both know that you are on the same page.
If your relationship is struggling from lack of affection or differing expectations in intimacy, it may be time for you and your spouse to (gently) discuss this topic. But even while you delicately navigate this conversation, be sure not to underestimate the importance of both sides sharing their needs. If the conversation is too difficult, or the conversation simply never happens, then it might be time to meet with a Christian marriage counselor in a comfortable and supportive setting.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
When affection and intimacy dwindles, or is only shared in brief “I love you’s” through-out the week, then both spouses need to recognize that there are lacking pieces in the relationship.
There’s an old saying that “actions speak louder than words”. While sharing affectionate words may be helpful, demonstrating affection through your actions always makes a stronger statement.
If you are not showing the love you have in your heart for your spouse, by expressing it in your action, then there is possibility that one side will begin to feel short-changed in the relationship. This can happen especially if one spouse was very affectionate early on in the relationship and those displays of affection has since faded.
As a counselor I get asked questions about why the intimacy changed after the wedding, and some are show their concern by asking “Is this how it’s going to be from now on?”
It’s difficult to answer these questions and the answer is often unique to the couple. That is why I express the importance of discussing affection and intimacy. I encourage couples to get comfortable with talking about intimacy and their expectations.
When someone is a physically-affectionate person (hugs, cuddles, hand-holding, etc) and they marry someone that isn’t physically affectionate or frequently intimate, then that it is the time to discuss what your expectations are for each other in the marriage. It is a time to be clear on what intimacy for you as a couple will look like.
Needs and wants in a marriage are very important and if they are overlooked it can cause someone to withdraw or shutdown completely from the relationship. Communication is key, as they say.
I hope this blog has blessed you.
Dr. Donna M. Marshall