A Simple Method For Couples To Work Through Difficult Issues

Hello and thanks for joining me! In today’s blog I will share my simple step-by-step method for helping you as a couple to work through those difficult issues in your marriage.

For starters, postponing a discussion that has been difficult is acceptable but brushing issues under the carpet, as a means to make it disappear, will not make the issues go away. It will need to be discussed and resolved sooner or later. In order to help you succeed in your efforts, here are some suggestions on how to help that conversation along.

First, let me start with what not to do. Do not approach someone with that difficult conversation when they have just walked in the door after a long day of work. Why? Because it will not feel like a discussion to them. It will feel more like an attack. When people feel attacked they often withdraw completely and they usually have a lot more difficulty focusing on the discussion. Forcing someone to discuss an issue that is important to you is not the way to handle it. The best way to handle it is by giving someone time to prepare for the conversation. This not only will bring a sense of calmness to the discussion, but it will also be appreciated and it is beneficial to both people in the long run.

I recommend the following methods to help resolve delicate issues:

  1. Make an appointment with your spouse by agreeing on a specific day and time for the converation.
  2. Mark the calendar and be sure both people are aware of that this appointment is a priority. Ensure that you set aside enough time for the discussion so there is no pressure to resolve the delicate issue quickly.
  3. Prior to the appointment, pray together. Pray for your marriage and for unity on solving this issue.
  4. Also, prior to the appointment, read scripture on marriage, anger and the fruits of the spirit.
  5. Prepare for this appointment. Write down your questions and/or answers prepared, along with any concerns that you have. Think about your perspective and what you think is the perspective of your spouse. Understanding each others perspectives will be vital in finding a solution that makes both people happy.
  6. When the discussion day arrives and you are speaking together, feel free to take a few minute pause if the discussion gets heated. Taking a moment to breath is healthy. Don’t walk away or make split-second decisions. Take your time with the conversation.

Remember, you are two people that love each other. You both want to be happy. Be kind and loving to one another. Think of the issue as the enemy, not each other. You are a team working together to overcome this issue.

Thank you for reading I hope you find this blog article helpful.

Join me next time for “How your upbringing can impact your marriage”.

Ensuring The Good Times Outweigh The Difficult Times

Thank you for joining me again! Today’s blog is about “Making sure your good times
together, as a married couple, outweigh the not so good times”.

As I mentioned in my first blog, date night is a must. You as a married couple should have a date night once a week to go and do something special together. It is a night just for the two of you, where the main focus is on spending a wonderful romantic night together, making memories and reconnecting with one another.

A word of caution, date night is not a time to discuss any, what I call, “Red topics”. Red topics are topics that usually end up cooling down the evening. They are topics that never end well when they are discussed, and usually have the ability to cause tension for hours on end. Two things that will ruin your evening so stay away from these on your special nights out and any other time you are trying to have an enjoyable time together.

Remember, this is your time to spend reconnecting with one another. Be mindful of the importance of keeping things problem free. Remember you are in control of what transpires. Here are some suggestions on reconnecting.

  1. Put the effort into making it special. We get so involved in our everyday lives that we lose touch of nurturing our marriage relationship. This is why date night is so important as well as keeping God at the center of your marriage.
  2. Use your words. This is a time to speak encouraging loving words. We can show outward display of affections like holding hands. Be mindful of the fact that this is your time to reconnect.
  3. Find out each other’s love language. Make sure that you are showing the person you love just how much you love them by using their own love language. Find out what each of your love languages are. Visit:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com
  4. Listen carefully to each other. We can all hear someone speaking to us, but listening requires your undivided attention. There are times when we hear what people are saying but we miss out on the message because we aren’t actively listening. When we truly listen then we hear what is being said.
  5. In a rut? Try the 5 to 1 Ratio. For couples that are struggling with getting out of a rut try the 5 to one ratio; for every 1 thing you do or say wrong to your spouse, fix it by doing or saying 5 kind things. The 5 to 1 ratio is by John Gottman. This method is referred to as the “Magic Relationship Ratio”. This is one way of flushing out the memories of the bad times by adding an overflow of good gestures.
  6. One last important reminder: In all of our relationships it is always a must to remember to “forgive” when someone has wronged us. For if we forgive others our Heavenly father will also forgive us but if we don’t neither will we be forgiven.

Thanks for reading my blog. Join me again when I tell you step-by-step a solution for discussing and resolving difficult issues.

3 Areas Of A Marriage Relationship Not To Ignore

The marriage relationship is a very delicate one. It is one that needs nurturing much like every other area of our lives especially if we want it to thrive. Things that often get in the way or take our focus off the marriage are as simple as raising children, or being more concerned with our professional life, traveling, time away from our spouse instead of time with them. When couples don’t put the effort into the marriage then it starts to suffer. So what am I talking about when I say “no effort is going into the marriage”? I am talking about you as a married couple are not giving you as a couple in love the time and attention you both need in order to feel the loving bond you as a married couple should feel. Intimacy is one way that we connect directly with each others most inner needs. Spending time together and making it a priority tells us that we are passionate about our marriage, the love we have for each other and how committed we are to the vows we made in the presence of God.

So knowledge is powerful when it comes to ways of preventing our relationship from getting off course.

Three areas we want to give close attention:

  • Our intimacy: How intimate are you as a couple?
  • Our foundation: How committed are you to the vows you made before God.
  • Our friendship: Would you say you have a friendship with your spouse?

Our intimacy? Because you as a couple need to be able to express to each other the love you have in your hearts for each other. Intimacy doesn’t always need to be sexual contact but showing outward affection to one another where you both feel loved is extremely important. Being respectful verbally and considerate to one another all help to play apart of showing the love you have for one another. The expression “actions speak louder than words” is very true in this case.

Our foundation? When our intimacy is in question or the lack there of, it often comes down to how solid is the foundation of your relationship. If it is a Christian marriage with Christian values then I would think it to be strong. That is why putting God at the center of your marriage is so important and when we have a solid foundation it is less likely that if your intimacy is lacking that the entire marriage relationship will come into question. Yes, it will need help getting back on track but it will not mean that the “D” word need to ever be brought up.

If a husband or wife is not feeling loved because no effort is going into the relationship where love should be expressed, one could misinterpret it as meaning the love is gone. This can be harmful to the marriage relationship and threaten the marriage, when no interest is being shown toward your spouse it maybe sending them the very wrong message. So be mindful of what is happening in your marriage. This brings me to the friendship part of the marriage.

Our friendship? If you were friends before you were married then that will show an established set of reasons why you may have decided to marry in the first place. Maybe you were friends because there was a trust that you had for each other along with a mutual respect where love grew. Whatever the case may be as a married couple especially a Christian married couple having a close friendship as husband and wife is a wonderful blessing all it’s own. An established friendship with your spouse is important because you are life long partners and a friendship shows you value each other on many different levels. You have a genuine concern for one another outside the ties of marriage, there is a bond and a trust that is long established when there is a friendship. For couples that don’t feel they have a friendship I would say work on it. The closer you get to each other the stronger your bond is as husband and wife will be.

So there you have it the three areas to pay close attention too. If you think your marriage is suffering from the lack of nurturing I recommend getting things back on track with the simple suggestions from blog one and blog two. If you have any additional questions or concerns you can email me at dr.dnoorali@oceanlifechristiancounseling.com

I hope you will join me for my next blog where I offer some simple suggestions on “making sure your good times as a loving married couple, out way the bad times.”

5 Changes For a Stronger Outlook on Your Christian Marriage

Welcome to our Blog. It is a Blog that will offer you what I call “tid bits” of useful information to help you strengthen and “stir up” your Christian marriage.

Why do I use the words “stir up” you ask? Well, because once the honeymoon phase is over we all have a tendency to settle back in our marriages where we think from here on out its all about “cruise control” until well, death do us part.

So by “stirring up” your relationship, it will help to revive it. Often time we go day to day going through the motions never realizing by making some small changes we could bring boring to scoring a grade A marriage where ordinary could never describe your relationship. It will become blissfully exciting without a trace of ho -hum.

I am here to tell you (5) major changes that will bring about a whole new outlook on your married life and also bring you closer together as husband and wife.

  1. Put God at the center of your marriage. Our heavenly father views you and your spouse as one. The most beautiful relationship in the world is one where God is at the center of it offering praise and worship to our heavenly father regularly . When we put God first place in our lives we can be sure he will bless us with a happy, healthy, loving marriage.
  2. Pray together. As husbands and wives there is a bond shared between us and when we go to prayer in our oneness we are showing our heavenly father that we cherish our unity as husbands and wives. The family that prays together REALLY DOES stays together.
  3. Read a Christian devotional together. I believe that it keeps us on track not only in our Christian walk but also in our bond as husband and wives. Its can also help to hold us accountable with the constant reminders that it can offers us.
  4. Be apart of a Bible Based Church. As Christians we need to feed our spirits regularly with Gods written word. Hearing, reading, and fellowshipping helps us in our every day lives to stay fruitful, faithful, and focused on our Christian walk together.
  5. Having a regular priority date night as husband and wife. A special night with your special loved one where the focus is on just the two of you. It’s a time to shut out everything negative and to focus on being kind and loving to one another. Making it special. Get lost in the love you have for each other.

Well there you have it. The (5) changes that can help to put your marriage relationship back on track by putting God at the center of your marriage.

Join me again when I do a new blog called Make these (3)areas count. Where I tell you about (3) major areas of a marriage relationship that should NOT be ignored.